Happy Tuesday. The oldest land animal on the planet has been caught up in a crypto scam. If you thought the second quarter of the year was going to start any more predictably than the last, you were wrong.

The death of Jonathan, A 193 year old giant tortoise living in the Seychelles, was tragically announced on Twitter/X this week by his vet owners… only it wasn’t actually them and Jonathan is fine. Turns out it was a hoax from a fake account posing as the vets, trying to amass followers to ask for crypto donations.

When they say scams are becoming more sophisticated, I didn’t expect this one.

Notable UK earnings this week: Gleeson (GLE).

Notable US earnings this week: Constellation Brands (STZ), Delta Airlines (DAL), Walgreens Boots Alliance (WBA).

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🔌 Joint development signed for Lion Link interconnector with the Netherlands. Read more

🏗️ Graham expecting confirmation on £284m London Met Uni overhaul. Read more

Easter chocolate shrinkflation despite dropping cocoa costs
Despite cocoa tumbling to a near three‑year low and sugar slipping about 20%, the era of “chocolate‑flavour” bars and shrinkflation looks set to stay. Last year’s sky‑high cocoa forced makers to cut cocoa and milk solids below the 20% threshold needed to call something “milk chocolate”, hence the rise of Toffee Crisp, Blue Riband, Penguin, Club and even some white‑label biscuits being labelled “chocolate flavour”.

Shrinkage didn’t stop at wording. Shoppers noticed tubs and bars losing grams across the board — Celebrations down 150g since 2021, Dairy Milk and Toblerone minus about 20g, Terry’s Chocolate Orange 12g lighter, Quality Street tubs trimmed from 600g to 550g, and multipacks shedding individual bars. If your KitKat seems to disappear faster, it’s not you; the two‑finger multipacks fell from 21 to 18 bars.

While manufacturers claim the coca market is still too volatile to to make any recipe changes (or U-turns to the good old days). Let’s hope the future might hold some good news one day - another reminder that the magic chocolate number to be classed as “milk chocolate” in the UK is just 20% cocoa content, and 20% milk solids content.

Marks and Spencer warnings on crime
Marks & Spencer’s retail director Thinus Keeve has warned that crime is getting “more brazen, more organised and more aggressive” after a week of antisocial behaviour in south London culminated in a mob raiding a Clapham store. Keeve published a letter on the supermarket’s website calling for urgent action from both the government and Mayor Sadiq Khan — politely translated as: do something, please.

About 100 officers were scrambled to deal with unrest in Clapham; four officers and one member of the public were assaulted during the disturbances. Police say scores of teenagers and young adults used so‑called “link‑ups” via TikTok and Snapchat to coordinate surges into shops — a 21st‑century flash mob with a criminal twist.

Keeve’s prescription is blunt: a stronger, faster and more consistent police response, plus better use of existing powers to target repeat offenders and hotspots. He also urged retailers and the police to share data more effectively — in short, less paperwork, more presence on the beat.

Mercy manoeuvres
Assisted dying is back in Westminster’s waiting room, and supporters are already counting heads. With the current bill likely to expire before the King’s Speech, backers reckon they can recruit roughly 200 MPs to toss it back into the private members’ bill ballot and have another go.

Their confidence is buoyant: some think the odds of a friendly MP landing a usable slot are very high, and if the Commons passes the same bill twice across two sessions, the Lords could eventually be bypassed. Opponents, naturally, say this is less principled persistence and more legislative speed-dating with a flawed bill.

Sticky sponsors in a jam
Wireless Festival may yet need a quieter wireless. Pepsi has pulled its sponsorship after Kanye West was booked to headline all three nights, with Diageo also heading for the exit and politicians queueing up to call the whole thing grim.

Meanwhile, Britain’s breakfast table is facing its own identity crisis: under the post-Brexit food deal, marmalade may need to become “citrus marmalade”. We’re in a jam, though technically, of course, it isn’t.

Hospital headaches
In Wales, the NHS repairs backlog has swelled towards £1bn for high - and significant-risk work, with ageing hospitals held together by hope, scaffolding and increasingly heroic patience. Parties are promising shiny new hospitals ahead of the Senedd election, but the awkward bit remains the old ones still standing - just about.

The DTC beauty category is crowded. To break through, Jennifer Aniston’s brand LolaVie, worked with Roku Ads Manager to easily set up, test, and optimize CTV ad creatives. The campaign helped drive a big lift in sales and customer growth, helping LolaVie break through in the crowded beauty category.

Learn more

Trump asks for $152m to restart Alcatraz
Donald Trump has asked for $152m (£115m) in his 2027 budget to turn Alcatraz — San Francisco’s infamous "The Rock" — from national park back into a working federal prison. The request covers only the first year of costs and is part of a $1.7bn (£1.3bn) package for the Bureau of Prisons.

California politicians have been predictably scornful. Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi called the plan “absurd on its face”, saying rebuilding Alcatraz as a modern jail would be “a waste of taxpayer dollars” — blunt, but maybe accurate. The proposal still needs Congressional sign-off, so it’s not a done deal unless Congress fancies buying a very expensive island.

Practical objections follow fast: Alcatraz has no running water or sewage system, all supplies must be ferried in, and by the time it closed in 1963 it was three times costlier to run than any other federal prison. In short: turning it back into a functioning lock-up would be logistically nightmarish and, frankly, a very pricey seaside hobby.

The island currently makes about $60m (£45m) a year as a tourist site under the National Park Service. Critics warn reopening it would wipe out that revenue (on top of the extra cost) and rob San Francisco of an iconic landmark — a cultural hit for a move that appears to be more theatrical than practical.

Strong job growth in March after dismal Feb
The US labour market snapped back in March, adding 178,000 jobs — well above the roughly 60,000 economists had pencilled in. The jobless rate held broadly steady at 4.3 per cent, even as February’s downturn was revised sharply worse to a 133,000 loss (it had originally been reported as −92,000). So yes, the numbers do wobble — like a souffle left too long in the oven.

Economists called the rebound a welcome relief. Daniel Zhao of Glassdoor said hiring “picked itself back up after a stumble,” and for now that’s true: hiring beat expectations and eased immediate worries that the market was starting a deeper slide. Think of March as a recovery on a pogo stick — hopeful, but still rather bouncy.

Global shocks are the fly in the ointment. The war in Iran moving into month two has pushed energy prices higher worldwide — AAA reports US pump prices over $4 a gallon — and those spikes filter through to inflation and consumer wallets everywhere. It’s a reminder that geopolitical risk can turn a local jobs story into an international headache, much as oil shocks have done in decades past.

Moon mugs
Artemis II has reached the Moon and is now set to become the farthest-flying humans ever, edging 4,102 miles past Apollo 13’s long-held record. Lovely stuff for the history books; less lovely for the plumbing.

Orion’s loo has developed a rather earthly problem, with a clogged vent line forcing the crew onto backup bags while engineers try the high-tech fix of pointing it at the Sun and hoping for three twos and ones blastoff.

Space remains vast, mysterious and, apparently, one blocked toilet away from chaos. As for which colleague you’d gift an Easter seat aboard: ideally the one who says “just circling back” on a Friday.

Toys, tech and tantrums
Back on Earth, Hasbro was hacked, knocking bits of Peppa Pig, Monopoly and Transformers offline and threatening delivery delays. In China, Baidu’s robotaxis staged a collective sit-down in Wuhan, with scores of driverless cabs freezing in traffic like they’d all spotted a red light existential crisis at once.

Bots, bucks & bloodletting
China’s latest AI craze for OpenClaw, has users “raising lobsters” to run shops, trade stocks and generally menace the job market - handing over emails, money and mild sanity to an AI agent that promises to do everything for you. What could possibly go wrong?

After the initial frenzy, Chinese officials have begun slamming the brakes: new draft rules would force “digital humans” to clearly label themselves, ban addictive or misleading services for children, and block virtual companions from getting too emotionally cosy with under-18s.

Meanwhile Oracle chopped 30,000 jobs in a 6am email citing the savings as better spent on AI, and SpaceX is reportedly hurtling toward a public listing worth $1tn. The machines are busy; the humans, somewhat less so.

Leak legacy lingers
A decade on, the Panama Papers still read like a billionaire’s filing cabinet left on the bus. In 2016, 11.5m documents from Mossack Fonseca exposed how politicians and plutocrats shuffled wealth through offshore shell companies - perfectly legal, occasionally dodgy, and always opaque.

The fallout? A few high-profile exits (Iceland’s PM resigned, Pakistan’s was disqualified), about $2bn clawed back globally, and a flurry of new transparency rules. Yet the real treasure remains largely buried. With no unified global tax system, the well-advised continue to shop treaties like it’s duty-free. The lesson: sunlight helps, but the curtains are still quite thick.

Democracy dismissed
In Burkina Faso, Captain Ibrahim Traoré has decided democracy is optional - preferably absent. Having seized power in 2022, he’s now dissolved parties, scrapped elections, and suggested voting is more trouble than it’s worth. The justification? Security first, ballots later.