Just Teapot. 👟

Happy Monday. I always thought my first Nike sponsorship would be walking out of the tunnel, under the lights in the Premier League - but for that same knee injury as every bloke in the pub, I didn’t make it.

Nike are, however, sponsoring The Teapot this week. Which is almost as fulfilling. If you want to consider supporting The Teapot, just click on our sponsor links in this email to learn more about them.

Public service announcement: It’s the last full working week before Christmas - a reminder to stop for that present on the way home, and another reminder that all of those things you say on Teams you’re going to “pick up in the new year”, will indeed still be there in the new year. Be careful what you wish for!

MARKETS

Data: Google Finance, 5-day Market Close

• Notable earnings this week: Carnival PLC, Integrafin Holdings, Chemring Group.

• In the US: All-time high for Tesla (TSLA) - $436.30

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PROJECT WATCH

🍃 Orsted hands out contracts for components for Hornsea 3 offshore wind. Read more

🌊 Dogger Bank Offshore Wind: more contract wins for Proserv. Read more

📦 First ever carbon storage in the UK expected in 2027. Read more

ECONOMY & FINANCE

Economy goes shrinking violet
It seems the economy has done an admirable impression of your Wi-Fi when you're trying to stream Bake Off—inexplicably weakened. October saw what experts politely refer to as a "shock decline", which roughly translates to "we're not entirely sure what's happening, but it’s not great". Between strikes, skyrocketing food prices, and enough political U-turns to rival Silverstone’s track, it's no surprise businesses and consumers alike are clutching their wallets like they're family heirlooms.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) revealed output dropped 0.1% for October, the same result as September. We haven’t seen consecutive months of shrinking since the COVID pandemic. Driving the decline was manufacturing (-0.6%), and construction (-0.4%).

Of course, economic turbulence is as British as awkward small talk about the weather. Historically, we've survived blackouts, recessions, and whatever the Brexit rollercoaster was supposed to be. But hey, let’s not panic just yet—after all, it’s Christmas jumper season. Perhaps we’ll all forget our financial woes while shoving mince pies into our faces and wincing at the latest budget-friendly Secret Santa disasters.

Royal fail
It looks like Royal Mail has dropped the ball—or rather, the post—facing a hefty £10.5m fine for failing to meet delivery targets. If they were hoping to post an apology, they should’ve paid extra for the next-day delivery!

The fine, handed down by Ofcom, comes as Royal Mail continues to struggle in a sector plagued by strikes, delays, and that age-old enemy of posties everywhere: second-class weather. With Christmas just days away, the timing couldn’t be worse—someone fetch a mince pie, that PR crisis team must be knackered.

So, as the UK braces for another frosty Christmas (and possibly a "we tried to deliver" note through the letterbox), here’s hoping Royal Mail can pull itself together. Otherwise, the season of goodwill might see some households getting their Christmas cards in time for Easter.

POLITICS

Blockers, bans, and backlash
Puberty blockers for under-18s? Not anymore, says Health Secretary Wes Streeting, who’s locked the medicine cabinet and thrown away the key—well, until 2027, anyway.

Scotland has joined the UK-wide ban, reluctantly nodding along like a teenager being told to clean their room. Critics argue this leaves vulnerable kids without support, while supporters say it’s a win for safety and common sense. Either way, the debate over how to treat gender dysphoria—and who decides— looks set to linger longer than a Boxing Day buffet.

MPs keep it in the family
The Commons this week turned into a family affair as Conservative MP Richard Holden called for a ban on first-cousin marriages, citing health risks and concerns about patriarchal control. Independent MP Iqbal Mohamed pushed back, advocating for education and genetic screening instead of a legislative sledgehammer, warning against stigmatising cultural traditions.

With Downing Street confirming it has no plans to legislate on the matter, Holden’s 10-minute-rule bill looks unlikely to progress this family feud.

ACROSS THE POND

Here comes the money!
Donald Trump is assembling a political team with a staggering collective net worth of $474 billion, potentially the wealthiest in U.S. history. Featuring high-profile billionaires from tech, finance, and investment, this lineup aims to reshape government by leveraging immense resources. Granted, more than $400bn can be attributed to Musk alone, the rest of the pack aren’t shy of a few bucks either.

This "billionaire bonanza" represents an unconventional approach to governance, blending extraordinary wealth with ambitious goals. Trump’s ultra-rich team could redefine his presidency and set the stage for an unprecedented chapter in American politics. See a full list from Fortune here. 

Stop the clocks
Trump, last week revealed as Time magazine’s person of the year, has now set his sights on banishing daylight saving time (DST), labelling it "inconvenient" and "very costly". He vows to rid America of the age-old tradition through his social media platform, Truth Social. With visions of the clock standing still, Trump intends to bring an end to those biannual time jumps which, depending on your stance, either throw you off your sleep cycle or makes you wonder why your kids are up so early.

Daylight saving time, a practice that sees clocks spring forward and fall back, is currently embraced by about a third of the world, including our mates over in Europe. Yet, this time-honoured shuffle has its mix of ancient enthusiasts and modern sceptics. Scientists like Joan Costa-i-Font from the London School of Economics argue that staying in standard time could enhance both sleep quality and economic productivity, saving us more than just lost hours.

Biden’s Christmas clemency
As if wrapping up an early Christmas present for America, President Joe Biden has bestowed 39 pardons and nearly 1,500 commuted sentences in a single day. This avalanche of clemency marks the most acts of presidential mercy handed out in one day, eclipsing the generosity of your Auntie Mabel’s annual gift extravaganza.

Among the beneficiaries are veterans, community advocates, and erstwhile fraudsters like Timothy McGinn, whose stockbroker adventures entailed fleecing hundreds for millions.

Not content with leaving his son's Christmas stocking empty, Biden pardoned Hunter Biden amidst accusations of everything from tax dodging to gun misdemeanours. If only gift wrapping could be done as swiftly and neatly as political scandals. This move carried the aroma of controversy, as Biden had previously ruled out such action, claiming it was politically motivated—seasoned with just the right amount of spicy nepotism.

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TECH

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years
Move over, conventional computers—Google’s new quantum chip, Willow, is here to make your processing power look positively medieval. At just 4cm squared, this silicon After Eight mint boasts computational power so immense it can complete tasks in five minutes that would take classical supercomputers 10 septillion years. That’s a one followed by 24 zeros, or, as physicists might say, “an awfully long time”.

Willow doesn’t just crunch numbers; it also tackles quantum computing’s biggest Achilles’ heel—errors. By taming the inherent fragility of qubits (think Schrödinger’s cat, but for data), Willow nudges us closer to a future where quantum processors might actually do something practical, like designing miracle drugs or cracking the nuclear fusion conundrum. Of course, these speedy little geniuses also have a dark side: their ability to shred conventional encryption.

Physicists are already speculating that quantum computers may operate in parallel universes. You could say this chip is a Willow-the-wisp of the multiverse.

Sugar, spies, and cyber lies
Chinese operatives, ominously dubbed "Salt Typhoon", have infiltrated global telecom networks, siphoning off everything from government communications to hotel reservations.

Keeping with cybercrime, 14 North Koreans defrauded US firms out of $88 million by posing as remote tech workers. They funnelled stolen salaries, along with additional funds from blackmail, back to North Korea, extorting bosses with pilfered data. The US has offered a $5m reward for tips, but the chances of justice seem slimmer than a dieter’s dimensions… Krispy Kreme’s cyber-defences had more holes than their doughnuts this week, with hackers taking a bite out of their online ordering systems leaving customers glazed and confused.

WORLD

Impeachment hits a K-pop high note
South Korea’s parliament has given President Yoon Suk Yeol the boot after his martial law stunt. Declaring emergency rule on December 3rd to crush alleged “pro-North Korean forces”, Yoon saw his approval ratings tank to a pitiful 11%. Parliament voted to impeach him, and even members of his party backed his ousting.

The fiasco caps a presidency marred by scandal and a botched response to the Itaewon crowd crush tragedy. Protesters, wielding K-pop light sticks, filled the streets with chants of "democracy", and so did K-pop, adding a uniquely Korean soundtrack.

Assad’s fall frees Syria
Bashar al-Assad’s Syria fell in just two weeks as rebel forces swept through the country, capturing Damascus and ending 50 years of Assad family rule. Assad fled—likely to Russia—leaving a fractured nation scrambling for stability. Prison doors flung open, releasing thousands of detainees, including Travis Timmerman, a self-described American pilgrim detained seven months ago for crossing into Syria on foot.

The rebels, led by Hayat Tahrir al-Sham (HTS), now hold the reins, but Syria’s future hangs in the balance. Competing factions within the country and outside powers like Israel and Turkey are already circling, leaving Syria’s post-Assad chapter teetering between fragile hope and looming chaos.

QUIZ TIME

There’s still tea in the pot...
The Teapot weekly quiz

Cuppa Chat: Cheat Sheet

🕺🏆 Comedian Chris McCausland, the first blind contestant, wins Strictly Come Dancing 2024, beating JB Gill, Sarah Hadland, and Tasha Ghouri.

🍖🐟 London's 850-year-old Smithfield and Billingsgate markets are set to close in 2028.

⚽️🇬🇪 Former Manchester City footballer Mikheil Kavelashvili, has been elected President of Georgia.

👾🥳 Astro Bot wins Game of the Year at the 2024 Game Awards.

🍚🍺 Archaeologists in Eastern China discovered a 10,000-year-old rice beer recipe.

🏗️🏢 London's Shard will share its title as the UK's tallest building, with the new 1 Undershaft skyscraper, also in London, set to match its 309.6m height.

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