P@ssw0rd123

Happy Monday. Paris is a notoriously trendy place. If you ever need some reassurance that those trendy people are really just like you and me, here you go.

No doubt you’ve heard about the jewel heist at the Louvre - about £76m worth were stolen last month. But how could anybody bypass the security system at a such a place? Quite simply, because the password to the system was “Louvre” according to a museum employee. Yep, just “Louvre”, not even their favourite dog’s name. Makes me feel like mine is bulletproof.

MARKETS

Data: Google Finance, 5-day Market Close

Notable UK earnings this week: Experian (EXPN), Vodafone (VOD), SSE Plc (SSE), United Utilities (UU), Burberry Group (BRBY), B&M (BME).

Notable US earnings this week: Alibaba (BABA), JD.COM (JD), Cisco Systems (CSCO), Walt Disney (DIS).

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PROJECT WATCH

🌊 Mersey tidal power project moves forward for Liverpool. Read more

🚂 Transport for London engage market for £1.7bn extension to Docklands Light Railway. Read more

🏗️ £1.3bn approved for new Salford neighbourhood. Read more

BUSINESS & FINANCE

M&S Cyber attack tanks profit 99%
Marks & Spencer’s latest results are less damage control, more damage confession. The iconic British retailer saw its profits nosedive 99%—yes, you read that right—after a cyber-attack sent its systems into meltdown earlier this year, paralysing online sales for months. Statutory pre-tax profits fell from a solid £391.9m to a comparatively measly £3.4m in the first half of the year.

The attack in April didn’t just ruin your awkwardly timed Percy Pig cravings—it hit stores as well, with shelves left awkwardly bare, causing levels of British passive-aggression in M&S aisles not seen since a Colin the Caterpillar copyright war broke out. Some shoppers probably still haven’t emotionally recovered.

Sky eyes up deal for ITV
There’s a new corporate romance on the cards, and nothing to do with Coldplay. ITV have attracted the attention of Sky — this time over a potential £1.6bn deal. The broadcaster confirmed it's in chatty stages with Sky’s US owner, Comcast, about selling off its media and entertainment (M&E) division. The bit that includes your telly favourites and ad-heavy channels — but not ITV Studios, so don’t worry, we’re not about to lose I’m a Celebrity... yet.

The plan? Create a UK-centric streaming giant that could give Netflix and Amazon a run for their overly long originals. It's ambitious stuff, especially in a landscape where traditional telly looks about as perky as a November garden gnome left out too long. ITV’s struggling with a not-so-cosy 9% ad revenue drop predicted for 2025, thanks in part to advertisers clutching their wallets ahead of the Chancellor’s next Budget bomb (arrival time: later this month, seatbelts recommended).

Dame Carolyn McCall, ITV’s boss, did her best office-memo reassurance act, telling staff nothing’s signed, sealed or delivered. Safe to say, we’re still deep in corporate foreplay. And yes, the stock price had a little fizz — up 15% after Bloomberg let the cat out of the bag.

POLITICS

Prison breaks & policy flake
Down at Wandsworth, it wasn’t so much “open prison” as “oops, wrong door”. Two inmates strolled out thanks to clerical cock-ups and digital delays - one has been returned already, and the other, still on the run. Meanwhile, Justice Secretary David Lammy, embroiled in a poppyless PR fumble and a fresh suit scandal, blamed the previous Tory government, court systems, and a timeline muddier than a prison plumbing report.

Lammy’s promising “digital rapid response units” in prisons, but with 262 mistaken releases last year - a 128% spike - those words sound as easy to consume as clinker cafeteria mash. Tory MPs cried foul after Lammy dodged questions in the Commons despite knowing about the latest Houdini hurrah. Still, Labour insists it inherited the chaos - 800 errors strong - from years of justice system neglect. In short: blame’s the only thing everyone seems able to release on time.

Hobbits at the border
Over at the Home Office, Labour’s Shabana Mahmood is going on an adventure with Denmark’s immigration playbook. Officials are exploring tighter rules on temporary stays, family reunions, and mandatory employment as part of a possible UK overhaul. Reform-susceptible Red Wall MPs are nodding along, while others fear Labour is drifting into “Lord Farage of Mordor” territory.

Cue Denmark’s own immigration minister likening his country to “hobbits” - peaceful folk who prefer visitors only if they help with the harvest and don’t overstretch the guest Wi-Fi. The plan may include deportation centres abroad and tougher asylum limits. With 648 migrants crossing the Channel on Friday just gone alone, and thousands more this year, Mahmood is under pressure to show she’s got more than just Tolkien references in her policy quiver.

Green dreams & net-zero schemes
Meanwhile, Scotland’s charging ahead (on electric, naturally) with its new net-zero draft plan. By 2045, Holyrood wants fossil fuels gone, heating systems greened, petrol cars exiled, and more trees than bad weather. Peatland restoration is the star of the show - turns out soggy moss is nature’s carbon sponge - but opponents say the strategy is long on vibes and short on how.

Some argue it’s the greatest hits playlist of SNP climate promises playing, with no clarity on heat pumps, retrofitting homes, or when we’ll finally say a dignified goodbye to North Sea oil. While the draft boasts a £4.8bn price tag and £42.3bn in benefits, Friends of the Earth call it “dreadful”, farmers are eyeing their cattle, and environmentalists accuse the government of green-dusting over past failures. Still, with Holyrood and Westminster oddly united on climate urgency - albeit from opposite trenches - the net-zero battlefield may be the one place where heat pumps cause more political friction than carbon.

ACROSS THE POND

Mamdani elected Mayor of New York
There's a new sheriff in town in the big apple, and he’s shaking the very core of American politics. Zohran Mamdani is lighting up headlines as New York City's new self proclaimed Democratic Socialist mayor.

Top of the agenda? Rent. If the rent in London makes you cringe, spare a thought for New Yorkers who’ve seen their rents spike like Christmas lights sales in November. Mamdani’s ambitious plan to freeze rent prices for four years is ticking boxes for some but has landlords sweating like a millionaire with a newly elected Democratic Socialist mayor.

Innovation doesn’t stop there: Mamdani dreams of city-owned supermarkets and free public buses, ideas that have left logistical experts humming the tune of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'—is this the real life, or just fantasy? To fund these ventures, he’s channeling a bit of Robin Hood, aiming to raise corporate taxes and levy a hefty tax on millionaires.

Potential trillion dollar payday for Musk approved
Elon Musk is edging closer to what might just be the most astronomical pay package in corporate history – a cool $1 trillion (£761bn), no less. Of course, all he needs to do for this is spin Tesla into an unprecedented success story over the next decade, as approved by 75% of the shareholders, enthralled by visions of gold-paved roads and platinum doorhandles.

To pocket this cosmic cheque, Musk must manufacture an ambitious 20 million Tesla vehicles, more than doubling the numbers from the past dozen years. If that wasn't enough to keep him off the Bake Off tent, he’ll also need to sprinkle a million AI robots into the world. A challenging feat, considering there's no sign of a single mechanical butler in anyone’s kitchen thus far.

For perspective, if pounds were seconds - a million seconds would take 11.5 days, whereas a billion seconds is about 31 years and 8 months. A trillion would be a mammoth 31,688 years!

TECH

Space steaks & orbital mistakes
This week in “don’t look up”, China’s Shenzhou-20 astronauts were all set for splashdown… until space junk said, “not today”. A rogue speck of orbital debris possibly collided with the spacecraft, grounding its return and putting emergency protocols into motion.

Meanwhile, the six astronauts aboard Tiangong were mid-handover, key exchange and all, when they decided to host a zero-gravity BBQ. Yes, in a historic culinary coup, China served up marinated chicken wings and peppered steak in orbit using a smoke-free BBQ oven (because, you know, space fires = bad).

NASA’s still recovering from last year’s nine-month astronaut delay aboard the ISS (cheers, Boeing), but China’s got contingency ships on standby just in case Shenzhou-20’s return ship is a goner. All this drama underscores the growing threat of space clutter, a mess partially fuelled by Starlink scraps and international bickering. Xi Jinping has called for a global “space debris observation centre” because at this rate, we’ll need a celestial fly-tipping treaty.

Robots, rights & a trillion reasons why
Back on terra firma, Elon Musk has just been gifted a modest $1-trillion pay package - on the small condition that he delivers a million humanoid robots by 2035. Enter Optimus: Tesla’s white-limbed, dark-glazed android that’s already flipping burgers, folding laundry, and lurking ominously beside Kardashians.

Musk insists these bots will be Tesla’s biggest business, even bigger than its autonomous fleet of cars, taxis, and semi-trucks. The humanoid gold rush is on. Some experts warn we’re living in the uncanny valley’s guesthouse. But with humanoids being the next big wave, then buckle up - 2026 might be the year your toaster makes small talk.

Poké-patents & underage bans
Speaking of uncanny, the US Patent Office is re-thinking Nintendo’s shiny new claim to the “summon-a-creature-and-make-it-fight” mechanic. Sound familiar? It should - it’s basically Pokémon. Except older patents from Konami and even Nintendo itself suggest the idea’s as fresh as week-old Pokéballs. In a rare move, the patent office director personally stepped in, raising eyebrows and the spectre of courtroom chaos for games like Persona and Palworld. Gotta sue ‘em all?

Australia has declared social media off-limits to the under-16s. Reddit’s just the latest to join the ban, alongside TikTok, Instagram, Facebook and co. Starting December, platforms that don’t take “reasonable steps” to age-check could face fines of up to £25m. Critics warn of privacy pitfalls, facial-recognition fears, and the classic teen workaround: moving to the UK, which one influencer family actually did.

WORLD

Kings, carriers & climate crowns
From the green carpet to the green planet, Prince William took centre stage this week at the Earthshot Prize in Rio, flanked by Kylie, cafuné crooners, and climate crusaders. The royal rollout awarded five £1m prizes to projects tackling deforestation, plastic waste, and ocean protection, with a side of samba sparkle.

China’s just commissioned its newest aircraft carrier, the Fujian, complete with electromagnetic catapults and enough runway to make Top Gun look like a toy set. President Xi took a stroll across its deck as sailors chanted patriotic slogans like a well-rehearsed West End finale. The Fujian’s arrival not only confirms China’s naval ambitions and shipbuilding speed supremacy but also sends a not-so-subtle nautical nudge across the Pacific.

Border brawls & workers on the march
Back in Europe, tensions flared in Lisbon as over 100,000 protestors swarmed the streets, waving banners and shouting down Portugal’s proposed labour law reforms. The government wants to “modernise” by making it easier to fire people, outsource jobs, and - somehow - cut bereavement leave for miscarriages. The country’s largest union has called a general strike for December.

Meanwhile, diplomacy took a holiday in the Andes. Peru declared Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum persona non grata after Mexico granted asylum to a former Peruvian PM linked to a 2022 coup attempt. Mexico shrugged, citing international law, while Peru fumed over repeated “interference”. Consider it a new Latin American drama: Asylum & Allegations: Lima Heat.