Teapot Tuesday 🫖

Happy Tuesday! We hope you enjoyed the bank holiday, and that receiving The Teapot on a Tuesday morning doesn’t further disorient you from knowing which day of the week it is.

The economy section this week features the London marathon - if you don’t sit within a hundred yards of someone running it, you may not know it’s coming up on Sunday. Prepare for sponsorship links this week, and why not? It takes some drive to run through the winter months so spare a few quid where you can - last year the London marathon raised £73.5 million for good causes!

MARKETS

Data: Google Finance, 5-day Market Close

Notable UK earnings this week: AstraZeneca (AZN), Shell (SHEL), HSBC (HSBA) BP (BP.), GSK (GSK), Barclays (BARC), Lloyds (LLOY), NatWest (NWG).

Notable US earnings this week: WR Berkley Corp (WRB), Equity Lifestyle Properties (ELP), Medpace Holdings (MEDP).

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PROJECT WATCH

🌊 Shell disclose more favourable result on gas find in North Sea. Read more

🚂 £150m Scottish rail framework win for Renew subsidiary. Read more

🔌 ‘Bomb-hunt’ contract awarded for UK-Germany subsea cable link. Read more

ECONOMY & FINANCE

London calling
This Sunday, the London Marathon turns the capital into a sea of running shoes and roaring crowds — and while thousands chase PBs, the UK economy enjoys a tidy boost too. The event brings in around £150 million, including £37 million in direct spending in London. Think packed hotels, bustling restaurants, and a booming weekend for businesses big and small.

Over 40,000 runners and their supporters travel from far and wide, contributing to the UK’s £31.1 billion in international tourism spend. But the real headline? The £73.5 million raised for charity in 2024, smashing records and pushing the all-time total past £1.3 billion. That’s a marathon effort with real-world impact.

With global TV coverage and a course that shows off London’s best bits, the event does wonders for the UK’s image abroad too. In short? It’s more than a race — it’s a full-on economic and social victory lap.

Inflation calms… before the inevitable storm
UK inflation decided to cool its jets in March, easing to 2.6% from February’s 2.8%. Praise be! But before we start celebrating with something bubbly—budget bubbly, obviously—economists are warning it’s a temporary breather. Because of course it is.

The Office for National Statistics credits cheaper computer games and falling fuel costs for the dip, which feels a bit like fixing a sinking ship with a roll of tape.

Former Bank of England interest rate-setter and current prophet of doom Michael Saunders has dubbed this all “the calm before the storm.” The storm in question kicks off with the April increases to gas, electricity, water, and employer taxes, expected to nudge inflation back toward 3%.

The Bank of England is still peering nervously at its 2% target like you do when you spot someone from school in Aldi. In February, it forecast a jump to 3.6% in April, and though Saunders reckons it won’t go quite that high, it’s still a grim prospect for households and economic growth alike.

POLITICS

Diagnostics, drones, and detentions
Health Secretary Wes Streeting, wants to Japanese-up our healthcare. Inspired by the Land of the Rising Health Metrics, he’s eyeing bespoke “health MOTs” powered by AI and genomics, tailored to each creaky Brit over 65. Think: a personalised forecast of your future ailments, with gusts bringing in early interventions for sunny skies ahead.

If your meds are late, blame traffic—or don’t. By 2026, drones could be zipping blood samples over the Highlands or ferrying paracetamol to windswept isles, thanks to new rules allowing flights “beyond visual line of sight”. Google’s drone arm is already in on the action, and the UK wants to lead the world, one airborne aspirin at a time.

And in prison policy: prison officers are calling for Tasers to be added to their arsenal, alongside a full review and possibly armour. Because when inmates start cooking up chaos, the government’s idea of “safety first” needs a shock restart.

Continental contraband
And if all this hasn’t curdled your faith in politics yet, how about this for a post-Brexit punchline to grate: no more brie in your carry-on. New rules mean British tourists returning from the Continent can’t bring back meat or dairy. That’s right—your lovingly smuggled Spanish chorizo and that rustic French camembert now face the cold, cruel hands (and probably stomachs) of customs.

The government claims it’s all to stop foot-and-mouth disease, but critics say it’s more foot-in-mouth politics. With Easter travel booming, thousands of Brits discovered that their sausage souvenirs were suddenly contraband. Some travellers now face fines of up to £5,000, and the traditional booze cruise is officially a half-empty can of its former self (limited to 24 bottles of wine, santé for that).

ACROSS THE POND

Temu and Shein talk tariff impacts
US online bargains are about to take a nosedive. From 25 April, Shein and Temu have warned their US customers to brace themselves for higher price tags, thanks to President Trump's latest tariff tango with China.

These two online retail behemoths—known for enticing American consumers with prices lower than a limbo stick—are set to charge extra cash due to Trump's hefty tariffs. With taxes soaring up to a staggering 145% (not monopoly money, unfortunately) and the end of duty-free exemptions on low-value goods, this trade tête-à-tête is bound to shake up the budget-friendly brigade.

Facing a free-fall from their formerly top app rankings, the retail darlings Shein and Temu are watching their app store standings slump faster than Tottenham Hotspur down the Premier League table this year (you’re welcome United fans). Temu, once a star scorer in the top five, has slipped to an unremarkable 75th place on the US Apple Store, while Shein is now treading in 58th.

Strava snaps up Runna, to set the pace for the future of training
Strava leaps into spring by acquiring Runna, the London-born running app. Runna, a training app that's made sprinters out of couch potatoes since its 2022 launch. With a mission to provide personalised running plans and coaching, Runna's built quite the sweaty empire, having assisted millions in breaking their racing duck.

Although Strava and Runna will continue to operate independently for now, Mr. Michael Martin, Strava's ringmaster, assures us Runna's rapid journey to the front of the pack will be further accelerated with an investment in growth.

While the figures remain behind the curtains, whispers in sports circles suggest hefty multi-million sums for Runna's early backers. Dom Maskell, Runna’s own captain fantastic, expressed glee at the prospect as the UK is left to mourn another of our most exciting, young tech companies swallowed up by the Californian tech hub of the universe.

TECH

2:40:42, faux fowl, and a cephalopod surprise
Beijing kicked things off with a historic half-marathon where 21 bots waddled alongside thousands of humans. Some wore boxing gloves. One wore a headband reading “Bound to Win.” Another fell flat at the start line—relatable. Tiangong Ultra, the metallic marathoner, finished in 2:40:42, raising eyebrows and battery-swapping frequency charts.

In Japan, scientists hatched a breakthrough in fake fowl, growing proper chunks of chicken in labs, complete with texture, muscle, and a dash of existential crisis. Using fibres normally found in dialysis machines and water filters (yum?), they've created sustainable protein that could one day replace your roast. All that’s left is tackling the public’s well-done distaste for lab-grown meat.

And just when you thought nature had clocked out, for the first time ever, scientists filmed a rare inky gem, a juvenile colossal squid doing its eerie underwater ballet near the South Sandwich Islands. This tentacled titan-in-training is destined to grow as long as a bus and weigh as much as your aunt’s Fiat 500. Until now, sightings were limited to what whales barfed up.

Identity intrigue
Your HR department may soon become a counterintelligence outpost. The UK’s online safety laws are forcing platforms like Discord to swap the honour system for headshots, trialling face scans to confirm users aren’t 12-year-olds pretending to be 22. It's either that or uploading your ID, and while the tech promises privacy, campaigners are side-eyeing it like it just asked for your mother’s maiden name and the name of your first pet.

But Discord’s dilemmas are child’s play compared to the next act: North Korea’s fake IT freelancers, slipping into UK companies via remote gigs and funneling wages back to Kim Jong-un. These digital doppelgängers dodge video calls like vampires avoid mirrors, often operating from communal call centres with dodgy audio and dodgier addresses. The fix? Companies are being advised to conduct in-person or video interviews, background checks, and a healthy dose of “Are you really Steve from Swindon?”.

WORLD

Diabetes debates and dictator detours
After decades of being medically misunderstood and bureaucratically benched, a new form of diabetes has finally earned its stripes—and a Roman numeral. Type 5 diabetes, or MODY (Maturity Onset Diabetes of the Young), isn’t your average sugar saga. It targets lean, malnourished young folks in developing countries, doesn’t respond well to insulin, and until now, has been misdiagnosed more often than a tired GP on a Monday morning.

In Myanmar, a military junta decided to mark the New Year with a public relations PR stunt disguised as mercy, releasing nearly 5,000 prisoners. But, surprise surprise, there’s no sign of Aung San Suu Kyi or any of the 22,000 political detainees locked up since the 2021 coup.

While families celebrated freedom outside Insein prison, others mourned those still trapped behind bars. The junta’s ceasefire? More sieve than shield, with over 120 attacks reported since. It’s less a new year’s amnesty, more a masterclass in misdirection.

Transpacific tantrums
Over in the realm of international tantrums, Trump’s tariff tirade continues to reverberate across the Pacific. A new Boeing 737 MAX bound for China took an abrupt U-turn back to Seattle, still clad in Xiamen Airlines paint, rejected like a free upgrade request.

With 145% tariffs slapped on Chinese goods and Beijing retaliating with 125% on American imports, it’s less a trade war and more an economic cage match. Countries like Japan and Indonesia are scrambling to strike deals to avoid getting tariff-trampled, while China warns third parties not to get too cosy with Uncle Sam—or risk Beijing’s wrath. As President Xi calls for multilateral unity (read: “stick with us or suffer”), the rest of the world is caught between a superpower spat.

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Cuppa Chat: Cheat Sheet

🏆🤼‍♂️ John Cena wins his record-breaking 17th WWE Championship at WrestleMania, surpassing Ric Flair. The event marked the first live WrestleMania broadcast on Netflix, following their $5bn streaming deal.

🎥✨ Ryan Gosling will star in "Star Wars: Starfighter", directed by Shawn Levy, set for release on May 7^th 2027.

🏊‍♂️🏅 James Guy and Duncan Scott tied for first in a thrilling men's 200m freestyle at the Aquatics GB Swimming Championships.

🔍🎨 Scientists claim discovery of a "new colour" called "olo," unseen by the naked eye and visible only through retinal stimulation. The colour, described as a saturated blue-green, sparks debate among experts on its existence.

🤖🚦 Hackers reprogramme crosswalk signals in Silicon Valley with AI-generated voices of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. The prank was swiftly shut down by city officials, who deactivated the affected signals.

🚻🗣️ Tens of thousands protest across the UK against a Supreme Court ruling that defines "woman" and "sex" as biological in the Equality Act 2010. The decision allows exclusion of transgender women from single-sex spaces.