Happy Tuesday. Teapot Tuesday - what a time to be alive (provided you just don’t ever put the news on).

Short and sweet today, just like the four day working week. Enjoy!

Notable UK earnings this week: Wizz Air (WIZZ), Greggs (GRG), Harbour Energy (HBR).

Notable US earnings this week: Hewlett Packard Enterprise (HPE), Crowdstrike (CRWD), Broadcom (AVGO), Dollar Tree (DLTR), Docusign (DOCU).

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🌊 Well-Safe agrees decomm partnership with NMC for North Sea offerings. Read more

🏗️ SCAPE open bids for construction framework worth £8bn. Read more

Colman’s to no longer cut the mustard for Unilever
Colman’s, the mustard brand that has been stinging noses and clearing sinuses since 1814, is reportedly up for sale as Unilever presses ahead with its £11.6bn cull of food operations. In a neat bit of corporate housekeeping — or, if you prefer, a vast grown-up game of musical chairs — Unilever and McCormick have asked bankers to find a buyer for the Norwich-born favourite.

The move is tied to McCormick’s existing ownership of French’s, another mustard heavyweight, with competition watchdogs now peering over the fence at the proposed mega-combination. The new global foods juggernaut is expected to be worth about $66bn, which is the sort of number that makes ordinary shoppers feel mildly faint in the supermarket aisle, usually in front of the condiment shelf.

The brand itself is as English as a rain-soaked August bank holiday and a queue that somehow forms before the tills are even open. Founded by Jeremiah Colman in Stoke Holy Cross near Norwich, the business began with flour milling and mustard seed grinding, before the famous bull’s head logo arrived in 1855 and Queen Victoria handed over a royal warrant in 1866 — proof, if ever needed, that even the monarchy knows a decent condiment when it sees one.

Airport cyber breach
Three major UK airports have been caught up in a cybersecurity muddle of the thoroughly irritating sort, after criminals accessed data belonging to nearly nine million people and tried their luck with a ransom demand. Manchester Airports Group — the owner of Manchester, East Midlands and London Stansted — says the attack happened at the weekend, with hackers getting hold of contact details, vehicle registrations and postcodes.

So far, the good news is that this was not a case of planes falling out of the sky or aviation security being compromised — MAG says bank and payment details were not stored in the affected system, and the bulk of the data appears to have been email addresses gathered from airport WiFi sign-ups - sounds like john.smith might need to change their password.

Cellar cells
The government is putting another £110m into prison-building, aiming to add 14,000 places by 2031 and avoid another embarrassing shortage of cells. Unused offices, laundries and storage rooms could be converted, while land is being bought for future jails. Nothing says “long-term planning” quite like discovering the cupboard can, in fact, hold prisoners.

Tory tidy-up
Kemi Badenoch has completed a Conservative reshuffle as the party shifts from post-election recovery towards preparing for its next shot at government. Andrew Griffith becomes shadow chancellor, Tom Tugendhat takes foreign affairs, while several familiar faces leave the front bench. Claire Coutinho has even managed the rare political promotion that comes with maternity leave. Efficiency, one assumes.

Release rules
The government is tightening its early-release plans, promising GPS tags and tightly controlled zones for some offenders who are released. Victims’ views will help shape restrictions, as ministers insist early release does not mean simply waving goodbye at the prison gate. A rather more complicated sort of freedom, then.

Lake Ontario America
Donald Trump last week found the time to sign an executive order to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America”, the latest flourish in his increasingly frosty trade row with Canada. It’s a bold move, if nothing else: geopolitics by way of a map label, which is either statecraft or what happens when someone’s had one too many late-night turns around the White House briefing room.

Speaking from the Oval Office, Trump said “Lake of America” had been on his mind for some time. He then drifted into grander territory, musing that if the US already has a gulf and a lake, “all we need is an ocean” — with the Atlantic and Pacific apparently next in the naming queue. Quite the administrative ambition for a man who makes a border dispute sound like a branding exercise.

Meta settles on case against social media harming kids
Meta has agreed to pay up to $16.68 billion to settle claims from states alleging Facebook and Instagram were built to hook children, misled users about safety, and hoovered up kids’ personal data. It’s a hefty bill even by Silicon Valley standards — the sort of number that makes a Treasury brief look like pocket change. That being said, 2025 net profit was a staggering $60.5 billion.

The deal was struck during a California federal trial involving claims from 29 states, sidestepping what could have been one of the biggest courtroom tests yet of allegations that social media has played a role in young people’s mental health woes. Meta, of course, denies wrongdoing — the corporate equivalent of saying “nothing to see here” while half the internet is on fire.

As part of the settlement, Meta has agreed to impose nationwide changes for teenage users, including daily usage limits and nighttime blocks. Sensible enough, really; if you need an app to remind you to go to bed, the app may already be the problem. The company’s shares still rose 4.4% in pre-market trading, the next day - some might interpret that as a show of them getting of lightly.

Cosmic camera
Nasa has launched its Nancy Grace Roman telescope, a vast new eye on the Universe designed to map billions of galaxies, investigate dark energy and hunt for tens of thousands of exoplanets. Named after the astronomer who helped make Hubble happen, Roman promises a rather enormous upgrade to our cosmic window. Somewhere, presumably, aliens are checking the curtains.

Cyber scramble
More than 100 tech companies, including OpenAI, Google, Microsoft and Anthropic, are calling for a united front against AI-powered cyber attacks. They warn that traditional security won’t keep pace as AI gets cleverer, urging governments and businesses to beef up defences. After all, if the machines are learning new tricks, someone ought to teach the humans a few.

Xi, Putin, and pals
Putin and Xi have reaffirmed their growing Russia-China partnership at a summit in Kyrgyzstan, presenting a united front in an increasingly uncertain world. With Russia leaning heavily on China amid Western sanctions and the Ukraine war, the friendship is rather more strategic than sentimental. Meanwhile, Modi and other regional leaders are also circling the diplomatic teapot.

Messi calls time
Lionel Messi has retired from international football, bringing the curtain down on a glittering 20-year Argentina career. The 39-year-old leaves as his country’s record goalscorer and most-capped player, having finally lifted the World Cup in 2022 alongside Copa América triumphs.

Moreno’s bribery blues
Former Ecuadorian president Lenín Moreno has been sentenced to five years for corruption over a bribery scheme linked to a Chinese-built hydroelectric dam. He denies taking part and plans to appeal, while his wife, daughter and brother were also convicted. Due to his age and disability, Moreno will serve his sentence under house arrest, proving that, in politics, even prison sometimes comes with home comforts.