Woof. 🐕

Happy Monday. Big news from the science and dog world. Lab tests have proven dogs to understand up to two hundred human words - the downside of which means that yes, yours knows what you’re saying and may be choosing to ignore you.

These clever canines could fetch specific toys by name, learn new words through elimination, and generally prove they’re furry toddlers with better hearing. Here’s a fun one - hand your dog something and say the name of another family member in the room, you might be surprised but they’ll usually have learnt that persons name already and will take them what you give!

MARKETS

Data: Google Finance, 5-day Market Close

Notable UK earnings this week: Kromek (KMK), Treatt (TET), PensionBee (PBEE), Hardide (HDD), Ilika (IKA).

Notable US earnings this week: Netflix (NFLX), 3M Company (MMM), Johnson & Johnson (JNJ), Abbott Laboratories (ABT), Procter & Gamble (PG).

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PROJECT WATCH

🛣️ Scottish Govt switching to £1.9bn framework model for A9 work. Read more

✈️ Heathrow starts pre-planning design work for third runway. Read more

BUSINESS & FINANCE

GLP-1 boost for the Gym Group
Last week we highlighted the weight loss jab woes at Greggs.. this week, here’s the other side of the coin. In a twist that’s got financial analysts smashing reps on the spreadsheets, The Gym Group is flexing its way through a post-Christmas boom, helped along by two rather modern phenomena: injectable weight-loss drugs and Gen Z’s obsession with “mandatory” fitness. Apparently, nothing says New Year’s resolution like a side of GLP-1 and a high-rep deadlift.

Will Orr, the CEO of The Gym Group - proud purveyor of affordable kettlebell chaos - has declared these weight-loss jabs a “tailwind”, which is fitness-speak for “they’re sending people through our doors and onto the rowing machines.” The company has noticed a remarkable uptick in interest.

And right on cue, some of Britain’s brainiest - the likes of University of Oxford, UCL and Cambridge - have chimed in with a healthy dose of reality: muscle mass doesn’t maintain itself. Turns out, GLP-1s can make your fat vanish faster than your mate dodging their round, but they can also nick a bit of your muscle for good measure.

The numbers are looking buff too. The Gym Group reported an 8% increase in total revenue last year, topping out at nearly £245 million. That’s a lot of vending machine protein bars. Membership has climbed to over 923,000 - meaning more than a few of us traded mince pies for medicine balls after the festive binge.

Economy back to growth in November
The UK's economy eked out 0.3% growth in November, new figures from the ONS show. A cause for cautious optimism, perhaps, unless you’re in construction, in which case it’s best to keep the hard hat firmly on. Growth is growth, albeit growing against the prior month where the economy had shrunk in a state of pre-budget anxiety.

The figures mark a modest bounce after Jaguar Land Rover finally shook off the effects of its August cyber attack. The industrial sector managed to start its engines again, giving manufacturing a chance to reset after months in digital ICU.

POLITICS

Pints, passports and political pirouettes
In a week where Britain’s policies changed faster than a pub landlord changing a barrel, the government has scrapped plans for mandatory digital ID cards for workers. Once hailed as a high-tech weapon against illegal employment, the scheme's since fizzled out. With nearly three million signatures on a petition, Sir Keir's plan is now toastier than a pub fire in January.

Which brings us to the pints. Facing a frothy backlash from landlords and industry groups, Labour’s proposed business rate hikes for pubs have been watered down. The government finally poured publicans a lifeline. Expect softer rate rises and whispers of more lenient licensing.

The masons, the met, and the mystery of the invisible IDs
Over at the Met, transparency is having a moment. More than 300 officers and staff have declared ties to the Freemasons or similarly hush-hush hierarchical groups, after the force required such links be disclosed.

Cue uproar from the United Grand Lodge of England, who argue the move stigmatises their apron-clad brethren and might even breach GDPR. With robes ruffled and injunctions in the works, it’s not clear whether the Met is chasing trust or just lighting the ceremonial powder keg.

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ACROSS THE POND

Tariffs are back - Greenland edition
In a rather frosty diplomatic face-off, the heads of Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, and the UK have collectively wagged a disapproving finger at President Trump. Sunday saw them issue a joint statement denouncing Trump's latest tariff tantrum linked to military manoeuvres in Greenland. Apparently, the chilly winds of diplomacy can blow a gale or two.

Trump announced tariffs rising from 10% to a hefty 25% by June 1, persisting until the US can pop its proverbial stars and stripes on Greenland's front lawn. In response, NATO allies argued that such tariffs risk souring transatlantic relations, akin to a soggy crumpet at high tea. "Threats have no place among allies," echoed Norway's Prime Minister, while UK’s Keir Starmer added Trump’s tactics to his list of no-nos, calling them "completely wrong."

Not one to mince jerky, Trump branded Europe's manoeuvres as contributing to "a very dangerous situation," although European leaders and analysts suggest the hyperbole is as misplaced as pineapple on a pizza. As citizens waved Greenlandic flags and demanded "Greenland for Greenlanders" outside Copenhagen's City Hall, it was clear the tension is as palpable as that time we collectively ran out of Marmite.

Fed chair under criminal investigation
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell finds himself subjected to a criminal probe. The US Department of Justice (DoJ) has opened an investigation against Powell over testimony he provided about building renovations—a spat that echoes the noisy political theatre we've come to expect from the States. Albeit impressive that they can make a drama out of interest rates.

In a rare outburst of defiance, Powell claimed the investigation is fuelled by ex-President Donald Trump's wrath over the Fed's reluctance to slash interest rates. Trump, ever the picture of innocence, claims ignorance, cheerfully calling Powell "Mr Too Late" while lamenting Powell's supposed ineptitude both at monetary policy and architecture.

Former Fed chair Janet Yellen has flagged the probe as "extremely chilling", suggesting it's not so much construction costs that are ballooning but rather the extraordinary lengths the administration may be willing to take. Meanwhile, sitting US politicians are in a tizzy, warning this could veer the US toward 'banana republic' status faster than you can say Brexit.

TECH

Mission implausible
Apple has turned to Google to give Siri an AI glow-up using Google's Gemini models. Historically protective of its walled garden, Apple’s choice to outsource some of its brainpower to a rival might make regulators spit out their tea. Especially considering both firms are already cosied up in the UK market.

Meanwhile, speaking of elusive giants, Guernsey seized nearly £9m from the bank account of Dr Ruja Ignatova - the ‘Missing Cryptoqueen’ who vanished faster than your New Year’s resolutions. With no sign of her since 2017, her fortune is now helping fund Guernsey's coffers. Hey Siri, ask Gemini where she’s hiding?

The space scene now, NASA’s Artemis II rocket is doing a very slow moonwalk to the launch pad in prep for its February mission - humans will orbit the Moon for the first time in over half a century. Yet while one crew preps for lunar glory, another splashed down unexpectedly after NASA pulled off its first emergency ISS evacuation due to a mystery medical issue. No name, no ailment, just a very polite “they’re doing fine”.

Alright, alright, ai-right
In the fight to keep your likeness yours and your catchphrases uncopied, Matthew McConaughey has become the first actor to trademark his voice and image to combat AI misuse. That’s right - "alright, alright, alright" is now legally off-limits to rogue tech targeting that Texas twang. McConaughey’s move could set the precedent for Hollywood's battle against artificial impersonation.

WORLD

Sacre bleurgh birth rates
France, long the EU’s poster child for bouffant demographics and croissant-fuelled fertility, has now officially slipped into post-baby boom blues. For the first time since the end of World War Two, the French recorded more deaths than births in 2025 - 6,000 more, to be precise. Blame the pandemic, economic instability, or perhaps too much bread, but the fertility rate has plummeted to 1.56 - its lowest since World War One.

With over-65s nearly neck-and-neck with the under-20s, the country’s famed joie de vivre is beginning to look more like joie de retraite. Despite a record-high life expectancy (85.9 for women, 80.3 for men), the pension pot isn’t stretching quite as far as Parisian optimism had hoped. The population still nudged upwards to 69.1 million thanks to migration, but public spending is about to get greyer, creakier and significantly costlier. Vive la Bureaucratie!

The seventh term itch
In Uganda, President Yoweri Museveni has won a seventh term in power, notching up a rather emphatic 72% of the vote. His opposition, Bobi Wine, now reportedly in hiding following a police raid, saw his support shrink dramatically, despite a booming youth population that should, on paper, have been his mosh pit of support.